I don't need to tell you all what happened this year in regards to Diamondback/Padre relations: you all lived it. You're survivors of the Great Padre Uprising of 2012. But future generations won't be so fortunate.
Which is why I've painstakingly amassed a series of journal entries from an unnamed and completely hypothetical Diamondbacks fan during crucial Padres series throughout the year, so that everyone will see the raw, unvarnished truth from an innocent bystander who happened to be present. It's sort of like Cloverfield, but rather than a running into a giant, terrifying spider monster that can't be killed, the Diamondbacks ran into Chase Headley. So basically, it's exactly like Cloverfield.
"Hey guys, Rick here (note: names have been changed to protect the innocent). So, I'm sort of new to this whole "web-journal" thing, but I thought I'd just document the Diamondbacks' season this year, so that future generations can appreciate the dominance that is the 2012 Diamondbacks haha. I hope everyone is enjoying this season so far, because I know I am! How can you not love sweeping the Giants in the first series of the season, amirite?
"I mean, I think the Giants traded Matt Cain for his brother, Matt Abel over the season, because he sure looked dead once the fifth inning rolled around. Lol, but seriously, I'm predicting he's going to have an awful year this year. Book it. And the good news is the Diamondbacks should keep it going, because they're playing the Padres this year, and they've just owned the Padres recently. I mean, of course they have, who even cares about the Padres. What a joke of a franchise. How does 50-40 since 2007 sound? Sounds pretty good to me! GO DBACKS!!!!"
-Diamondback fan log, April 10, 2012 3:00 P.M. MST
"So, that was...more unsettling than it should have been. I do wish the Diamondbacks would win a game by more than one run in regulation one of these days, but I guess I can't complain about taking a series on the road, even if it is against the Padres, who barely count as a team. It's good to see Chris Young raking though, even if I have a bad feeling he's going to hit the wall sometime soon. I'm just angry that they lost a game. Stupid David Hernandez, I'm sort of worried about him this year. Not that I was expecting them to go 162-0 or anything, but it does seem like losing a game against the Padres sets a bad precedent for the season, right? Nah, I'm sure I'm just being paranoid. Forget I said anything. GO DBACKS!"
-Diamondback fan log, April 12, 2012 5:15 P.M. MST
"Ughhhhh. How...I mean...nine games behind the Dodgers at the end of freaking May?!
I don't know, guys, maybe this just isn't our year. Actually, you know what? Forget that attitude! The season's just getting started, for Pete's sake. And everyone knows the Dodgers aren't this good, so the Diamondbacks just have to put themselves in position to capitalize once they inevitably fall back to earth, and that means beating the teams they're supposed to beat. Luckily, they happen to be playing one of those teams right now. They get another series against the Padres, who are just awful this year. I mean, 18-34 is just depressing. So, it should be nice to get some games against a team that even the Diamondbacks should beat. Go Dbacks!"
-Diamondback fan log, June 1, 2012. 12:00 A.M. MST
"GOD DAMMIT WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT CY??? I mean, the Padres are almost literally dead out there. Seriously, the Diamondbacks tripped over Orlando Hudson's corpse while taking infield earlier. The ONE THING that you cannot do is give them a reason to care. And when you do things like antagonize the home team over a pitch that didn't even hit you, you almost single-handedly pull them out of whatever carbon freeze they were in. Suddenly, they start caring.
"I just...something about this team just feels off, for some reason. I'm starting to wonder...if...maybe all of this was a mistake. Maybe the Diamondbacks aren't the same team they were last year? I don't know, I'm just...I'm so tired, but I'm having trouble sleeping..."
-Diamondback fan log: June 2, 2012. 12:37 A.M. MST
"Ooookay, starting to get a little nervous now. It's July, and the Diamondbacks are still in third. I mean, Kennedy looks like a pale imitation of himself, Upton isn't hitting, it's all a bit frightening, you know? But at least Bauer is here to atone for all of our sins!1!1! And he's facing the Padres, who we've beaten four times already. And he's making his home debut. I originally predicted a perfect game with 27 strikeouts for Bauer in his home debut, but I realized that it wasn't fair to place that much pressure on the kid, so I scaled it back. He'll probably give up a ball in play or two, so I'll accept a perfect game with 25 strikeouts if I have to.
"Whatever Bauer does though, it's clearly gut-check time for the team. They have the Padres at home, with The Next Ruler of This World pitching. This is as close as you can get to a must-win series in July. Go Dbacks?"
-Diamondback fan log: July 2, 2012, 5:15 P.M. MST
-Diamondback fan log: July 2, 2012, 10:45 P.M MST
-Diamondback fan log: July 3, 2012, 11:42 P.M MST
"Oh, hey, this is more like it!"
-Diamondback fan log: July 4, 2012, 8:00 P.M MST
"OH GOD I CAN'T WATCH THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE! DON'T JUST STAND THERE SOMEONE CALL AN AMBULANCE!!!
-Diamondback fan log: July 4, 2012, 9:30 P.M MST
"Hey guys. So, I just read over my entries from that Padres series in July, and, uh, I apologize. I was going through some personal stuff at that point, and I guess I just sort of snapped. It was disappointing, certainly, but it was just one series, and it certainly won't make or break the Diamondbacks' season.
"Just, uh, don't let it happen again, Diamondbacks."
-Diamondback fan log: August 24, 2012, 3:00 P.M MST
"OH GOD IT'S GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN, ISN'T IT? IT'S HAPPENING AGAIN!"
-Diamondback fan log: August 24, 2012, 9:30 P.M. MST
"will venable has been staring at me for the last 37 min why are you staring at me, Will Venable? i know i should go to sleep, but every time i go to sleep i dream that clayton richard just struck out my entire family
have you ever had a dream where you don't know whether your awake or a sleep"
-Diamondback fan log: August 26, 2012, 4:37 A.M. MST
"The Diamondbacks had some chances early, but their struggles against the Padres have seemingly continued for ever and everth, and it seems like they've made it their goal to lose yasmani games as possible to them. Cahill got chaseheadleyed from the game in the fourth inning and our bullpen, which was never a marquis unit to begin with, was exposed. Forsythenately, the Diamondbacks had a rally in the eighth inning, but it proved to be too little, too latos. Oh well, maybin next time. But after yet another bradbraching sweep by the Padres, I can only yonder where the team will go from here."
-Diamondback fan log: August 27, 2012, who even knows
"Have you guys ever wondered, like, what would happen if a team of actual padres played baseball against a team of real diamondbacks? I mean, on the surface, it seems like the padres would have the upper hand since they can actually hold bats and gloves. But I've been thinking a lot about this, and I'm not so sure. First of all, the diamondbacks' strike zone would be, like, tiny. And a team of monks probably wouldn't be that good at finding the strike zone anyway, so there would be a lot of walks. And then, if the first baseman tried to hold the runner (slitherer?) on, he would find himself at risk of a snakebite. If the diamondbacks are able to bite enough friars, they should be able to win by forfeit after the diamondbacks' proteolyic venom takes effect. That should be Mark Grace's next key to the game.
"I haven't slept since July."
-Diamondback fan log: September 7, 2012, 3:32 P.M MST
"Hey guys. So the Diamondbacks totally almost won a game against the Padres today. They scored five runs and everything, but then the Padres scored six runs and so the Diamondbacks lost by virtue of math. Tyler Skaggs pitched bad in the first inning, and then he pitched good in the second inning, and then he pitched bad again in the third inning. And then he was gone in the fourth inning. And the Diamondbacks got some hits, but not enough hits, and so they lost."
-Diamondback fan log: September 8, 2012, 5:19 A.M. MST
"I had the weirdest sensation today. The Diamondbacks played the Padres, same as always. But when it was all over, no one added a number to the loss column. I assume it was just a clerical error, but even still, I felt something when it was happening. Something I haven't felt in a long time after a game against the Padres. Was it...hope? I heard somewhere, perhaps in a half-remembered dream or a long-forgotten conversation, that the Diamondbacks once won games regularly against their masters to the West. Was this how it felt then? Are the nightmares finally over? Is it safe to sleep again?"
-Diamondback fan log: September 9, 2012, 3:42 A.M. MST
-Diamondback fan log: September 10, 2012, 12:00 A.M. MST
So, by comparison, I think most of us here on AZ Snakepit have handled going 5-10 against the Padres with aplomb.
(Game logs via Baseball-Reference)