Even though it ended on a high note, the Diamondbacks dropped what some people called a "must-win series" to the rival Dodgers that pushed them 10.5 games back for the division lead. Facing serious questions about his managerial style for the first time since 2010, Kirk Gibson felt the need to call a closed-door team meeting to inspire the guys to play better for the rest of season. The following is an exclusive transcript of that meeting.
The Diamondbacks' Clubhouse
Ian Kennedy: "So, what do you think this is about?"
Justin Upton: "Eh, it probably has something to do with the fact that we've blown chunks for two months, and now we're 10.5 games behind the goddamn Dodgers."
Kennedy: "Yeah, probably. Man, Gibby's gonna be pissed."
Chris Young: /runs into clubhouse wall repeatedly.
Upton: "Dude, wha'cha doin'?"
Young: "All this losing started after I ran into a wall. I figure, maybe if I run into a wall again, everything will go back to normal."
Upton: "Man, that's the dumbest--"
Young: /goes back to running into wall.
Craig Breslow: /mentally calculates velocity of the impact of Young's collision.
Henry Blanco: /says nothing, sits in corner sharpening machete.
Kennedy: "Uh oh. Here comes Gibby."
::Clubhouse door flies open::
Kirk Gibson: "JESUS MOTHER@#$@ING $@#% ON A #@$#% &*^%$ SUNDAE WITH A @#%^%# @#$% ON TOP AND A @#%$ #@#$$# ON MY SISTER'S @#%#@ FOR GOOD MEASURE!"
Gibson: "I MEAN, HOW IN THE NAME OF LORENZO @#%$@#$#ING VON MATTERHORN DO YOU BLOW A FIVE RUN LEAD AND LOSE A SERIES TO A @%$@ING TRIPLE-A TEAM THAT'S WINNING THE COW-%#$@ING DIVISION?!" DARON SUTTON AND SHOEWIZARD SAID IT WAS A MUST WIN SERIES. MUST. WIN. AND NOW YOU MADE DARON AND SHOEWIZARD CRY! YOU'RE ALL WORSE THAN POL POT!"
Gibson: /breaks Gerardo Parra's bat with bare hands.
Gerardo Parra: "Hey!"
Gibson: "OH SHUT UP. YOU WEREN'T USING IT ANYWAY!"
Gibson: /finally calms down.
Gibson: "Now, I called everyone here today to try and figure out how the hell we can fix this. Any suggestions?"
Upton: "Pitch better?"
Kennedy: "Hit better?"
Gerardo Parra: "Field better?"
Wade Miley: "Everyone could just try to be more like me?"
Josh Bell: "Peter Angelos could sell the team?"
Gibson: "Wait, what was that last one?"
Bell: "Aw crap, I keep thinking I'm still in Baltimore."
Gibson: "Nah, men. You're still trying to fix the symptoms, when you should be looking at the direct cause. Last year, you were all a bunch of gritty, crazy sons of bitches who fought tooth and nail to win every single game. If we had a lead late, we held onto it like it was a chocolate-coated baby. And if we didn't, we scrapped and clawed until we did or died trying.
"But this year? This year you guys have about as much presence as first-inning Dodger fans. You want to win as much as the racing dude in the inflatable Mark Grace costume. You think that just because you won last year, that now everything is going to be handed to you on a silver platter, while everyone else in the division sits around and eats paste. You've gotten fat and spoiled, gentlemen. That's not how baseball works, and it's not how life works, and the sooner you guys figure that out, the sooner you can find some motivation and actually reclaim this division.
"Luckily, I know just what to bring you guys to fire you up the rest of the way. As you all know, we're playing the Brewers next. You remember the Brewers, right? The same team that broke Stephen Drew? The same team that allowed Prince Fielder to pick Rickie Weeks to the Home Run Derby in OUR HOUSE over Justin Upton last year? The same team that ruined OUR MAGICAL SEASON in the NLDS? Well, look who I found lurking around Downtown Scottsdale on his off-day. Bring him in, Matty.
::Clubhouse door flies open::
Kennedy: "OH GOD SOMEONE KILL IT BEFORE IT LAYS EGGS!"
Blanco: /says nothing, begins sharpening machete more quickly.
Nyjer Morgan: "WOOOOOOO! WHAT UP, SLUTS?! DJ Tony Plush IN THE HOUSE!"
Upton: "Hey man, we kind of having a--"
Morgan: /shakes up a can of Miller High Life, sprays it on Upton.
//runs over to stereo, blasts Hoobastank.
Morgan: "Man, I am PUMPED! I haven't been in this locker room since we swept y'all in the playoffs last year. UP TOP BROS!"
Kennedy: "Actually, it wasn't a sweep, you guys just barely--"
Morgan: "BEAST. MODE. BEAST. MODE. BEAST. MODE! We were BEAST MODE, y'all were LEAST MODE, AMIRITE?!"
Young: "How are you a person?"
Morgan: "Cuz I got dem Plushdementals. What? AAAAAAAHHHH GOTTA GO!"
Morgan: /disappears in a cloud of Axe Body Spray and misplaced testosterone.
Kennedy: "...Wow, that was...I'm really angry now."
Upton: "Me too. I'm fired up!"
Kennedy: "I'm ready to beat those crazy cheese-heads, and everyone else who stands between us and another division title!"
Gibson: "That's it, get angry! The Dodgers are sitting pretty right now, everything's going right for them. Well, guess what? That won't be true for the whole season, and when they stop winning, we'll be there to put our foot on the necks and stomp. That win on Wednesday was just the beginning. We're ready to go on a run, men, one that will put 2011 to shame. But it can only happen if you're all ready to get your heads back in the game. Now are you all ready to win?
Gibson: "I SAID ARE YOU READY TO WIN?!"
Gibson: "WELL THEN GO OUT THERE AND WIN!"
Kennedy: "Yeah, I think that went really well. I actually think we can do this now."
Upton: "Yeah, totally. Unless we get swept and are out of the race by mid-June and have to sell all of our good players at the trade deadline."
Bell: "You sure this isn't Baltimore?"