Bud Selig: "Ahem. I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you here to neutral territory in the heat of the baseball season. Well, it concerns a developing problem that I've noticed in the National League West. Namely, I don't think anyone has realized that someone actually has to win this division."
::The teams look at each other uncomfortably::
Giants: "Hey, it's not our fault. We've done everything in our power to make sure that Diamondbacks win the division. We've gotten outscored, we've picked up a center fielder who may or may not be made of fine porcelain, we've given regular at-bats to Aubrey Huff for most of the season while our talented homegrown first baseman wastes away in the minors. They just haven't cooperated, that's all."
Selig: "Ummmm...and why exactly do you want your division rivals to win in the first place?"
Giants: "A couple of reasons. First off, we won last year, and people are already getting concerned about our fans getting spoiled like Red Sox fans. So we figure, why not take a year off to remind everyone in San Francisco that Brian Sabean still runs this team?"
"But more importantly, just look at this goddamn team. We have a collective OPS of .661. That's lower than Yuniesky Betancourt's career average. Our best hitter is named after a giant raccoon that's best known for sitting around in the forest and eating bamboo. Our second-best hitter is Nate Schierholtz. NATE SCHIERHOLTZ! We're all pretty sure that Orlando Cabrera has been legally dead since 2008, but we traded a prospect for him because he's STILL BETTER than what we had there before."
"So if this team makes the postseason, it will undermine everything that baseball has said about the playoffs being a showcase for only the best teams in MLB. Nobody can say that with a straight face while watching Aaron Rowand try to hit the baseball."
::The Giants lob the NL West Pennant toward the Diamondbacks. Everyone runs out of the way, except for Justin Upton, who drops it after trying to catch it with one hand::
Selig: "Hmmmmm, so what's your excuse, Diamondbacks? Why are you so adamant about not winning this year?"
Diamondbacks: "Are you kidding? We lost 97 games last year, and then we solved our problems by trading our best home run hitter and our ace pitcher. Nobody in their right mind thought we'd would be any good. Kevin Towers constructed this team for the sole purpose of giving Willie Bloomquist and Melvin Mora nice cushy jobs before they retired. If everything broke right, maybe we would compete for a title in 2013, if everyone else was busy doing other things."
"But these jerks decided to win a whole bunch of games in a row, and everyone expects us to be good even though we have Sean Burroughs as our de facto starting third baseman. It's weird and uncomfortable, to tell you the truth. Our fans aren't ready for this, our coaches aren't ready for this, and our team sure as hell isn't ready for this."
::The D-Backs roll the NL West Pennant back to the Giants. Jeff Keppinger dives for it, misses by five feet::
Selig: "Enough! This bickering is pointless. If both of you guys suck too much to win the division, I guess one of the other teams will have to step in."
Rockies: "Well, I guess if nobody else wants the division, we'll take it. I mean, we have a pretty decent team, and now that we seem to be past our spat of legendary bad luck, I'm sure we--"
::A bolt of lightening comes from out of nowhere and strikes a Rockies starting pitcher in his throwing arm, requiring Tommy John surgery::
Rockies: "Aww man! Not another one!"
Matt Kemp: "I'll take the division."
Selig: "Where's the rest of your team?"
Matt Kemp: "What f**kin' team?"
Selig: "You know, the Dodgers?"
Matt Kemp: "I guess Frank McCourt's here, but he's out back rooting through the dumpster for discarded pizza. And Ned Colletti's in the other room trying to trade a couple of Single-A prospects to the caterer in exchange for a crab potsticker."
Selig: "I thought those were complementary?"
Matt Kemp: "They are."
Padres: "I guess that means we have to win the division. We have a favorable run differential, a few good hitters, and pretty darn good pitching, so we'll win it."
Matt Kemp: "Who the hell are you?"
Padres: "We're the Padres. C'mon guys, we've been in this division for 40 years."
Giants: "Nope, not ringin' any bells."
Selig: "GODDAMNIT THIS IS RIDICULOUS! Do you have any idea how hard some teams have to work to get into the playoffs?! I mean, look at the AL East. They have two of the biggest markets in baseball in New York and Boston. The Tampa Bay Rays are run by a group of robots that can also see the future and tell when a player is going to burn out. The Toronto Blue Jays have the best player in baseball, and one of the shrewdest front offices, and they're in FOURTH PLACE! Only two of those teams can make the playoffs, and the other two have to sit around in October and watch ONE OF YOU JERKOFFS play a few extra games!!!"
"So either you guys shape up, or I'm awarding the playoff berth that would have gone to the winner of this division to the Pittsburgh Pirates, just because they wouldn't take it for granted!"
Giants: /loses series to the Astros
Diamondbacks: /trades for -0.5 WAR second baseman
"I need a drink."