Diamondbacks 13, Reds 2: Super Happy Fun Rainbow Home Run Time

After playing two games in Nunavut and three games in Icicle Inn, the Diamondbacks finally open at home in front of hordes of adoring fans (I'm writing this part a few days in advance, so it better damn well be true). It gives me great honor to recap the home opener in a season which will be super-duper and awesome and full of rainbows and unicorns and candy and hugs if Derrick Hall is to be believed. And why shouldn't I? He looks like a straight shooter. So let's all be shiny happy people!

The opponent for this clash was the Cincinnati Reds. The Reds are known for four things in my book

1. My inability to spell "Cincinnati" correctly on the first try.
2. They won the NL Central last year.
3. They were no-hit by Roy Halladay in the playoffs.
4. They once traded Josh Hamilton for Edison Volquez. (To which my reaction is: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH.. Sigh... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Despite this, we have yet to beat the Reds in the last eight tries at Chase Field. Will tonight be different? Well, yes. Very much so.

Kirk Gibson shuffled the lineup around a bit. Coming into today Willie Bloomquist was the light and the path to salvation while subbing in for the injured Stephen Drew. Drew was back in the lineup and His Willieness was moved into Left Field by Kirk Gibson. Melvin Mora and Xavier Nady were out there to complete the "I want to dance around while taunting the Snakepit" lineup.

After a clean top of the first, Willie inspired another verse in the Holy Book of Him by leading off with a double. After Kelly Johnson sacrificed him over to third, Justin Upton shut up a bunch of mouth breathers with an RBI single. Upton got to second on a fielder's choice on the next at bat, which lead the way for Stephen Drew to make his first mark on the season. He did not disappoint, getting good wood on Travis Wood (totally intentional) for a double that scored Upton. It goes without saying that Xavier Nady ruined everything by striking out the next at bat.

It was more of the same in the second. Miguel Montero continued his not-so-bad start with a ground rule double. A few batters later Saint Willie of Bloomquist caused Travis Wood to throw a wild pitch. The man is a demi-god, people!

After the relatively quiet fourth, fifth, and top of the sixth innings, things got a little crazy. Justin Upton got a walk, then CY got a single, then DROOO walked. This loaded the bases for (aw crap) Nady. Xavier, obviously sensing my disdain, doubled and drove in two runs. That ended the day for Travis Wood, as Dusty Baker thought "Even I know I should take someone out for giving up a double to Xavier bleepin Nady, and I have the same knowledge of saving a pitcher that Manny Ramirez does of drug testing policies!" Melvin Mora then displayed flashes of not uselessness by driving in a run on a sac fly. The score was now 6-1 in favor of the D'Backs.

The D'Backs kept the hammer down in the seventh. Justin Upton continued to shut up certain pockets of people with a smash for his second homer of the season to make it 7-1 D'Backs.

Ian Kennedy was the man of the night. He was, as the kids say, ballin'. Save for a sac-fly by Brandon Phillips in the Third, Ian was owning the place all up in this heezy. Overall he pitched Eight innings with Nine strkeouts and One earned run.

Back to back doubles by Nady and Montero off of Matt Maloney extended the lead to 8-1, and made me reconsider which figure to revolve the Diamondbackian Religion around. Seriously Miggy is on fire so much that Kings of Leon wrote an overplayed song about him. After a walk to Juan Miranda, Bloomquist did the expected with an RBI Single. Yeah I know blah blah "he can't keep it up the whole year" but I DON'T CARE. HE IS FULL OF AWESOME AND HAPPY. As I was typing that last sentence Kelly Johnson got in on the fun with a three-run hammer-of-the-gods to make it 12-1. Then, just like that, Chris Young got in on the homer parade. 13-1. STUFF IS GOOD AND I LIKE IT! Maloney gave up homers to Upton, Johnson and Young. Why Dusty Baker didn't take him out in the middle of that? Who knows? Maybe he thought Maloney was Mark Prior?

The Ninth wasn't quite so smooth. Aaron Heilman gave a lead off home run to Joey Votto. Geez Aaron, it's not like he's the reigning NL MVP or anything. Then Juan Francisco got a single. He got Jay Bruce to fly out, but walked Jonny "There should be an H somewhere here" Gomes. Chris Heisey flew out and Paul Janish did as well on a fancy play by Parra. WINZ! 13-2! REPLAY THE SHINY HAPPY PEOPLE VIDEO! DO IT NOW!

This ended an eight game losing streak at Chase to the Reds, and extended our winning streak in home openers to five games. Both the offense and pitching were all sorts of immolated. What else can I say?

via www.fangraphs.com

Champion of the Lists: Ian Kennedy +29.3%
Faithful Squires: Miguel Montero +11.4%, Stephen Drew +10.5%
Vile Knave: Melvin Mora -4.5%

Gameday Thread was active-ish. A lot of Pokemon talk. I don't know how I feel about that. 788 comments at the time of cut-off. BattleMoses was the leader at the post, and the only person in triple digits. jinnah was second with Kishi a close third. Also present: hotclaws, justin1985, emilylovesthedbacks, Jim McLennan, snakecharmer, frubio, Wailord, 4 Corners Fan, Bcawz, JoeStock, neilback, NASCARbernet, longshorts, TinySarabia, UAwildcats, snakeoil14, Clefo, blank_38, blue bulldog, Torpedosneak, Gravity, Bryan J. Boltik

Comment of the day goes to Kishi, for bringing the witty:

"Well, the Reds have a storied history"

The Diamondbacks, unfortunately, only have a ranch-style history so far.

by kishi on Apr 8, 2011 8:46 PM MST reply actions   4 recs

Tomorrow we go against Bronson Arroyo. Bronson was recently diagnosed with mono. He might think he does for a whole year, but it turns out he was just really bored. He goes up against Daniel Hudson with first pitch at 5:10 PM.

And so I finish my first ever recap. Thanks to Jim for giving me this opportunity. Feel free now to skim over the recap, then ask a question about something that is clearly spelled out in the body of this post.

Peace, love, and runz to you all!