Bear-ly Literate : Hate Mail from a Cubbies fan

It's probably inevitable given the sheer number of Cubs fans, but I never cease to be amazed by their diversity. On one end, some of the sharpest and most well-informed baseball fans I know support them. But then, there's the other end... After almost five years running this site, I'm delighted to report we finally got our first piece of hate-mail ['Hacks attacks don't count, since they were like being savaged by a dead sheep] - equally inevitably, it's from a Cubs fan. And, like many of the most venomous and unpleasant ones, he no longer lives in Chicago...

It starts off almost reasonably, but by the end... Well, let's just say, I was laughing hysterically. After the jump, you can find the mail in its entirety, and my response.

Ah, the old "you owe us!" argument. Which, of course, completely fails to address the issue of why a 12-year old stadium is now unacceptable, the reason why they can jump the queue ahead of parks in much more need of work, or why they can't seek private funding for their urgent needs - like the D-backs/Rockies. It also ignores the ticket surcharge proposed [albeit then hastily retracted] by Mesa's mayor, which would apply to all tickets in the league, Cubs games or not. How would their fans feel if the cost of Wrigley seats were jacked up, just to give the White Sox or Yankees yet another new park?

So far, nothing new or startling. But wait! There's more...

2. Slightly Strange

It's at this point that I began to feel I had slid through a wormhole, into a strange alternate reality where everything was tinged Cubbie blue. Part of me wants to put "I've never heard of a famous Phoenix hot-dog" as the site's tag-line for the year, it's just so deliciously surreal and irrelevant to...anything. Truth be told, there's no better Southwestern fare to be found anywhere - as long as you're prepared to stop stuffing your face with hot-dogs, anyway. And if Mark gets homesick, he can even go to Pizzeria Bianco, the best pizza in America. Except it's New York style pizza, not Chicago: as in hot dogs, the Big Apple kicks Windy's ass. Sorry.

Actually, the Cubs games here in 2009 miserably failed to sell out, by a very long way. Only one of them cracked 30,000 in attendance, and barely at that, trailing badly behind multiple games against our divisional rivals, as well as contests against the Braves, Brewers and - oh, dear! - looks like even the Astros got more people to the ballpark here. I guess local fans got bored of us kicking your ass. But it's not surprising Cubs fans still want to come to Chase Field. They know it's the only chance they'll get to see a World Series trophy.

The Phoenix Suns are "the most successful sports franchise in the valley"? Despite never having won a title? I appreciate the concept of 'success' may be foreign to Cubs fans, as they haven't tasted it since before the Titanic was built. But they should really learn not to measure other teams by their own, low standards. Similarly, hiring Grace might have more to do with - oh, I dunno - him playing on our World Series team. That was the very first year after his (clearly wise) decision to bail out of Chicago, following 13 straight seasons there, without winning a playoff series. See also other heroes of that team now employed by the club - Luis Gonzalez, Matt Williams and, it seems likely, Randy Johnson.

3. Is that a tinfoil hat I see?

Those are exactly the ones I was speaking about, who abandoned Chicago for a better life here in Arizona, but cling desperately to the ability to get - what was it you said? - "a Chicago pizza or hot dog" here. If Chicago is so great, feel free to go back there. Otherwise, accept you're living in Arizona now, and deal with it. I bet you also complain about the heat in summer, don't you? As for WGN, it's an appropriate station for Cubs games, since it's the home of castoffs  that no-one else would touch - such as Carlos Silva - and endless re-runs we've seen a million times before, like the Cubs failing to win a pennant. You do know they've not been to the World Series since it has been televised, or since WGN started?

Pause for a moment to consider the irony of my being lectured on 'not being American enough,' by someone whose last name is "Draganski." I'm sure that name came over with the Pilgrim Fathers. Of course, no-one but the American-born can appreciate or contribute anything to baseball. I'm sure Cubs players like Carlos Zambrano (Venezuela), Aramis Ramirez (Dominican Republic), Kosuke Fukudome (Japan) and Ryan Dempster (Canada) would love to hear Mark thinks they have nothing to offer. Maybe you know of 'The Shot Heard Round the World'? Arguably the most famous homer in baseball history? Bobby Thomson, the man who hit it, was born in Scotland.

Know what the average crowd at Wrigley was in 1981? 9,752. Yep, those "popular and deep-rooted" Cubs couldn't even pull ten thousand people to a game. Now, that's a fan base down the crapper. But a Cubs fan lecturing me on winning? Quite delicious.

It's because, of course, you only go when we're playing the Cubs: including our playoff sweep, we're 14-5 against you at Chase since 2003. So beating the Cubs is an everyday occurrence, hardly an event worthy of the mildest excitement. You want us to get enthusiastic? Try giving us a challenge, not rolling over and playing dead.

How many "true" fans do the D-backs really have? How many of "your" fans could name 10 players on the team? They could probably name the one idiot with his own TV show, named after a dirty Peanuts' character ("Pig Pen"), and one of the highest paid D-backs players to date...nice work!

Er... I hope D-backs fans would know better than to name Eric Byrnes, since he now plays for Seattle - y'know, alongside Milton Bradley, a brilliant signing by the Cubs who will, I'm sure, speak warmly of his time in Chicago and the racist abuse he suffered there. But speaking of overpaid and underachieving outfielders, the Cubs really set the bar high, with the $136 million contract given to Alfonso Soriano - more than a hundred million dollars above what we paid Byrnes. Only five more years and you'll be out from under that millstone!

4. Bat-sheet Krazee

Godwin's Law! I win! AnalogyMassiveFAIL. The symbol is more like placing the star of David on a Jewish website. For in case you hadn't noticed - you were perhaps lying in a puddle of Milwaukee's Best somewhere in Fountain Hills - this is a D-backs fansite, not a Cubs one. Most D-backs fans I know rank the Cubs down there with the Yankees, and the symbol is a pretty good representation of how we feel about them. It's called "sports rivalry." But I created the one atop this article, just for you. Or maybe you'd prefer this one?

Trust me, I am happy to keep churning these out all day, inspired solely by the fact that it appears to irritate you.

All trace of sanity has now finally been lost, in favor of frothing abuse. But it's now apparently "un-American" to dislike the Cubbies! Quite why they deserve special treatment, out of all thirty major-league clubs is never addressed. If any side can claim the label of "America's team," it's probably the Yankees. I don't think any of us want to go there, do we? Maybe the Dodgers? Certainly not the Cubs. And I guess this would also make Chicago the most un-American city in the country, since half its population - the White Sox fans - hate the Cubs with a passion that makes mine seem more like a passing fancy.

I'm sure your boss appreciated reading your foul-mouthed tirade. With such excellent people skills, you're bound to go far in your chosen profession.

Oh, I am deeply sorry. In particular: I am sorry you feel entitled to have a new stadium, paid for by fans of other teams. I am sorry you think only Americans can appreciate or understand baseball. And I am particularly sorry for the smart, intelligent Cubs fans I know, who will no doubt be deeply embarrassed by your response. Still, thanks for the amusing diversion: ripping you a new one was just the thing to tide us over until pitchers and catchers report and most baseball devotees can look forward with hope to the new season. Enjoy your 103rd consecutive season of futility, Mark.