Baseball food and health concerns might seem to be mutually exclusive. After all, what's healthy about a nice, juicy hot-dog, with a side-order of garlis fries and a highly-caffeinated, sugary beverage? But last season, Portfolio produced a damning report detailing violations at eleven major-league parks, with Dodger Stadium leading the way, racking up 732 violations, including 'a major vermin violation' and a cockroach infestation in the Stadium Club kitchen. Ick. How did Chase Field - not one of the stadia covered - stand up in this regard in 2008?

Fortunately, a tireless team of Maricopa County health inspectors ensure that restaurants, food processors, prisons and jails, food warehouses, bakeries, school cafeterias and, yes, baseball parks in the area follow good food safety practices. That's over 8,000 establishments in Phoenix, with violations assessed between one and twenty points, depending on severity. "Persons with discharges from eyes, nose and mouth are not restricted from working with exposed food" - that'd be twenty points, and a free, bonus retching sound from me. Less unpleasant infractions merit fewer points, and the result is the sanitary equivalent of ERA: a scale where zero is perfect, and the lower it is, the better for everyone.

The worst I'd seen for a long while was a 66, for the Great China Super Buffet near our house: we always suspected it was iffy, and gave it a wide berth. Wisely, as it turns out: if the inspection score equates to ERA, then that venue is Russ Ortiz in restaurant form. At the other end, if your score is among the best posted by establishments of your type, you get a gold award; the middle level receive a silver seal and the worst scores... Well, let's just say the walls of the Great China Super Buffet are barely troubled by health department certificates. The results of these inspections are available online, allowing you to see whether any award was given, as well as the number of violations - and specific details of what was found.

Analyzing the stats - hey, it's what we do here! - shows that, overall in Phoenix, 34.3% of establishments currently possess a Gold award as the most recent one; the same figure have a Silver seal of approval, while 17.6% are shown as 'No Award'. [The balance do not show any information in this area] Filtering those down by address to those located at 401 East Jefferson, we find ninety reports concerning Chase Field in August. Almost half - 43, or 47.8% - resulted in Gold Awards, and the vast majority of the others took Silver [39, representing 43.3%]. All told, that's a total of more than 91% which won a seal of some sort: if we ignore those without data for the city of Phoenix as a whole, then just under 80% of establishments were honored. Looking good for Chase there.

However, Phoenix covers a lot of territory, and it might make sense to compare the ballpark to other venues in the same zip-code. We have data for 251 that aren't at Chase: 88 won Gold, and 97 Silver, an overall figure of 74%. This. again, suggests the stadium as being better than average for hygiene. It also shows, perhaps surprisingly, that downtown restaurants are worse than the average for the entire city - more than one-quarter of them merit no award, compared to a broader figure of 20%. with some surprising names on that list. Here are the standouts from the area around Chase, together with the score and date of the last unscheduled inspection: during the regular baseball season. Remember, the less points, the better.

Alice Cooperstown - 29, on 7/17/2008 - Details
Coach & Willies - 46 on 9/25/2008 - Details
Hard Rock Cafe - 32 on 8/5/2008 - Details
Jackson's on 3rd - 29 on 8/20/2008 - Details
Majerle's Sports Bar - 31 on 9/8/2008 - Details
Sliders - 34 on 8/4/2008 - Details
Tiggos - 57 on 8/20/2008 - Details

Frankly, looking at those scores, Chase Field appears to be more an oasis of cleanliness in the middle of a hygienic desert, rather than anything which should  overly concern us. You know I said earlier that the worst score I'd found was a 66? Not any more. It seems Jackson's on Third saw their cleaners leave town with the Diamondbacks. They got an inspection - not by Maricopa County, but by the FBI - on November 20th, which scored a staggering 96, Eli Roth is reported to be working on the film version of the report, though might have difficulty getting it past the MPAA.

But what about the relatively small number of venues found to be problematic inside the park? In some cases, it's hard to be specific regarding the location: many of them are labeled in the database as simply 'Chase Field'. These may not even be accessible to the public, and in some cases are likely part of the dining facilities for players or employees, which would still be subject to inspection. But here are details of the eight ballpark locations which received no award, as the result of an apparent large-scale inspection at the end of April.

1. Chase Field. Major violations: 2. Score: 21. Details
"Observed sliced cantaloupe 54 degrees F, goat cheese 60 degrees F located on buffet line in front area." Cantaloupe? Goat cheese? Diamondback Dogs those ain't. This is one of those, mentioned above, where I suspect we are talking not open to the public. An improperly-stored ice-scoop and discolored cutting boards were the other issues discovered. Quease factor: low.

2. Chase Field. Major violations: 1. Score: 21. Details
"Employee moving ready to eat hamburgers from spatula to hamburger bun with bare hands. Employee was told to use gloves when touching any ready to eat items. Employee washed hands properly and put gloves on." Pretty much speaks for itself that. A chicken thawing out on the counter also incurred the wrath of inspectors. Quease factor: medium.

3. Chase Field. Major violations: 3. Score: 27. Details
"Noted hot dogs at 119-124 deg F in hot holding unit. Person in charge reheated the hot dogs to 165 deg F." That's an issue because cooked foods must be kept at 130 F or above. A half-eaten candy-bar was found - employees aren't allowed to eat or drink in food preparation areas - and the report concluded, "Due to repeated, severe, and/or numerous violations noted on this inspection legal action is being initiated. Failure to permanently correct violations noted on this inspection may result in probation and/or closure of your establishment." Ouch. Quease factor: high.

4. Chase Field. Major violations: 2. Score: 21. Details
"Rack of utensils stored next to handwash sink behind the counter has utensils stored in pans that are soiled with dried organic matter. 3 compartment sink is also stacked with soiled dishes but manager didn't clean...utensils and pans. He said that they weren't part of his area or responsibility." Hmm: isn't hygiene everyone's responsibility? Still, there was a happy ending, as a re-inspection on May 8th found the issues resolved. Quease factor: moderate.

5. Chase Field. Major violations: 5. Score: 44. Details
There are times when I suspect what makes me go 'Ick!' may not be what the health inspectors deem most inappropriate. I'd go with "Observed holster at bar with accumulation of slime," but think "Observed employee squeezing lime with bare hands" probably gets more penalty points. Really, when "open jars of mustards and condiments sitting on table" is an infraction, If SnakePit Towers at dinnertime ever became subject to inspection, we'd probably fall short of the high standards necessary. Of course, we don't charge anyone to eat here. Quease factor: moderate.

6. Desert Ice. Major violations: 2. Score: 21. Details
" Employee observed put on gloves for food handling without washing hands first. Employee washed hands as instructed." Again, I thought that the wearing of gloves was designed to stop your hands from coming into contact with whatever. On the other hand, the medical dramas I've seen [Mrs. SnakePit loves House] tend to show doctors scrubbing up before put on the gloves. I guess the moral is, if you need to have your appendix removed, Desert Ice at Chase may not be the best choice. Quease factor: low.

7. Panda Express. Major violations: 2. Score: 20. Details
"California rolls cold holing in reach in cooler at 54 deg F. Employee discarded rolls at time of inspection." As they say: Panda Express. It's Chinese for "Major violations". Can't say I am too concerned, since I'd always give this place a wide berth myself. But before you ask, I have absolutely no idea what "cold holing" is - that's what it says on the report. I probably don't want to know, since it's likely still a felony in most states. Also an employee eating in the food service area: not their own food, I imagine. Quease factor: moderate.

8. RayGloria's Tamales. Major violations: 1. Score: 12. Details
My heart sank when I saw this one crop up, as this was one of the feel-good stories of the season. However, the good news is, the issues here were almost entirely bureaucratic. "Manager not certified and does not demonstrate applicable food safety knowledge. Food Service Workers have not obtained Food Service Worker License." Even the notes on the report acknowledge that this is a new operation, and understandably deserves some slack as such, given this was a home-based operation until plucked from obscurity. Quease factor: low.

The good news is, seven out of the eight were given awards from the inspectors when they came round again. The sole exception was #1 which still received two major violation and a score of 20 points on re-inspection - those pesky cold foods were still not held at the right temperatures. Generally, however, this apparent willingness to learn, is certainly a lot more than can be said for a lot of the places near Chase, who appear to be repeat offenders.

We've already noted Jackson's recent problems, but they at least got a Silver award  on their first visit of theyear. Coach and Willie's, on the other hand, got three routine inspections in 2008: these resulted in no awards, a total of seventeen major violations, six repeat major violations and scores of 64, 59 and 46. Which I guess counts as improvement, hygienically speaking, but the last was accompanied by the same warning note seen above, threatening legal action, probation and potentially closure. Guess the owners must be Dodgers fans. Back at Chase, subsequent to the April sweep, various other checks were performed. Here are the establishments there which merited no award on their last routine inspection:

1. Chase Field. Date: 12/3/2008. Major violations: 1. Score: 7. Details
"Pest control is not being properly performed and/or live insects, roaches, flies, or rodents present..Multiple rodent droppings located in corner. Please provide pest control." I used to live in London, where lore had it you were never more than five yards from a rat. Never quite had Phoenix down as a destination, but I guess they're omnipresent and almost impossible to keep out of a large building. Quease factor: moderate.

2. Friday's Front Row. Date: 10/9/2008. Major violations: 4. Score: 43. Details
"The cutting boards at the bar on the side closest to the kitchen have dried organic matter and have not been used in > 24 hrs per bartender." Ew. Not good. "The sink on the side of the bar closest to the ballpark has a profuse leak." Not a problem, they just need to turn it into a feature, and have the run-off cascade down from the restaurant every time one of our players hits a home-run. They were also using insecticide that said on the label, not to be used in food establishments. Quease factor: high.

3. Garcia's. Date: 9/17/2008. Major violations: 3. Score: 25. Details
4. Garcia's. Date: 9/17/2008. Major violations: 3. Score: 25. Details
No, that's not an error. Looks like two separate branches got hit with exactly the same score: consistent, at least. Again with the cold foods for the first. This time, it was cheddar cheese, stored at 51 F, when the required temperature is 41 degrees or lower - unlike the speed cameras on our freeways, there's no 11-degree grace zone. The second one mixed it up by not having hot food hot enough. In this case, it was chicken, and we all know how bad a bit of dodgy fowl can be, so I'm with the health inspectors on that one. Quease factor: high

It should be stressed that these are the exceptions rather than the rule. While there's always room for improvement, it seems that Chase Field, by all reasonable standards, is not anything to be concerned about, as far as hygiene goes, with a record which is perfectly acceptable for a venue of its size. On the other hand, more than a few places within staggering distance, could certainly do with getting their act together in this area.