The Trash Talk Manifesto

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 5:30 PM EST

Coming to you in the dead of winter between the end of hot stove season and the start of spring training (although I suppose the Santana trade qualifies as a story...?) To you, my Pitter pals, I present...

THE TRASH TALK MANIFESTO!

(and I remember that since we ill-advisedly bet Rodrigo "I Broke" Lopez to be more VORPY than Livan "Keepin' Krispy Kremes in Business" Hernandez, you are more than welcome to reciprocate).

So, word has reached my Internet ivory tower that ye olde fools think that the Dodgers are a bigger threat to your NL-West-winning ways than are we Rockies, zero to hero who ~~lost~~ won the ~~World Series~~ war (but we don't talk about that). Seriously, the Dodgers? Andruw Jones is made of FAIL, Andre Ethier is busy sleeping with ~~all women of the known world~~ a bevy of those L.A. beauties, Joe Torre's so happy to just get out of New York that he's snoozing on the beach, and Jeff Kent is shouting each time that Russell Martin stands up, sits down, goes forwards, goes backwards, goes left, goes right, opens the fridge, outplays him, or gets a call from Alyssa Milano. (Jeff's just jealous that Alyssa put him 442nd on her list, meaning that he won't have a crack at her until Bartolo Colon and Jay Gibbons have already got theirs. Schnikey). You have nothing to fear from the silicon-farting patsies in blue. Fear the purple rage against the machine? That's more like it. 39% to 22%? Something is gravely wrong in the state of ~~Denmark~~ Arizona.

But very well, you don't fear us, so we will sneak up and get you when you are sleeping. How can we fail? We have a heavenly mandate! We worship JEEBUS! We're America's team!

Regard:

O beautiful for spacious skies,
For amber waves of grain,
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!

Hmm, no mention of red snakes, I wonder why. What are snakes good for? For being run over on roads by dude ranchers in Hummers, that's right. We are not dude ranchers in Hummers, nor will we ever be, but this only proves that we are not the only people who like to run you over. Fortunately, some people show pity. (Difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? Skid marks in front of the snake). Do not expect any such from us. You will be assimilated.

Also, this song was inspired by the view from the top of Pikes Peak. Where is Pikes Peak? That's right, Colorado. I've never heard of anyone writing about the view from the top of a cactus. And the Grand Canyon doesn't count, it goes down.

Brandon Webb and Dan Haren? Eh, they're just Thing 1 and Thing 2, complete with dodgy hair and red uniforms, and therefore accordingly will run into boxes (or is it out of boxes? Been a long freaking time since I read Dr. Seuss). Anyway, there will be no running-out-of-boxing by Webb, Haren, and the Cat in the Hat (Byrnes) but there will be a lot of running-into-boxing, boxes labeled Coors Field. Whereupon they will meet purple-clad Who death squads, who, wielding advanced technology known as bats, will deliver mortal blows. We will pwn, and then we will have a victory cigar. We keep them in the humidor.

Not convinced? Take a look at my trusty diagrams. There is clearly no way we can fail.

SP Brandon Webb: Won a Cy Young.
SP Jeff Francis: Canadian.
Advantage: Rockies.

SP Dan Haren: Sidelined for the Thankfully Deceased, had a near-death experience and a Ben n' Jerry's ice cream flavor named after him. Also, smoked a lotta weed.
SP Aaron Cook: Actually did almost die.
Advantage: Rockies.

SP Doug Davis: Slow.
SP Ubaldo Jimenez: Fast.
Advantage: Rockies.

SP Micah Owings: Pitches, hits, cleans, cooks, dances, dusts, dices, flies, spies, shoots, sings, and does the New York Times crossword blindfolded. Also makes a mean creme brulee.
SP Jason Hirsh: Tall.
Advantage: Rockies.

SP Randy Johnson: Looks like bad acid trip.
SP Kip Wells/Mark Redman: Pitches like one.
Advantage: Rockies.

CL Tony Pena: Last name has earned him nickname of "Pestilence," suggesting mildly irritating annoyance best served with flyswatter.
CL Manny Corpas: Last name sounds like Death, which is what he is.
Advantage: Rockies.

Setup: Brandon Lyon: Needs a few Tigers and Bears to keep him company. Say hello to your new mopup men, Gary Sheffield and Rex Grossman.
Setup: Brian Fuentes: Sucked hard enough at one point to cause gravity shear.
Advantage: Rockies.

1B Conor Jackson: Failed charm school.
1B Todd Helton: Failed to win Gold Glove.
Advantage: Rockies.

2B: Orlando Hudson: Cannot be in two places at once.
2B Jayson Nix/Ian Stewart/Jeff Baker/Marcus Giles/Omar Quintanilla/The Thing That Was Clint Barmes: Can use Barmes for bait while the other five get Hudson from behind.
Advantage: Rockies.

SS Stephen Drew: Eli Manning, except older brother is not good.
SS Troy Tulowitzki: Baby Zeus.
Advantage: Rockies.

3B Mark Reynolds: Impeccable usage of hair-care products.
3B Garrett Atkins: Hat head.
Advantage: Rockies.

LF Eric Byrnes: Runs into walls.
LF Matt Holliday: Runs into national spotlight.
Advantage: Rockies.

CF Chris Young: Once struck out 11.217 times in game, creating small black hole of fail.
CF Willy Taveras: Is fast, so can run away.
Advantage: Rockies.

RF Justin Upton: "Jupton" sounds like historic Civil War general.
RF Brad Hawpe: "Bhawpe" sounds like running into wall.
Advantage: Rockies.

C Chris Snyder: Can hit.
C Yorvit Torrealba: Cannot.
Advantage: Rockies.

Mascot: Baxter.
Mascot: Barney.
Advantage: Diamondbacks.

Manager: Of the Year.
Manager: Amiable but often incompetent.
Advantage: Rockies.

Colors: Warlike red and soulless black.
Colors: Royal purple and black "is the new NL champion."
Advantage: Rockies.

Team: Arizona Diamondbacks
Team: Colorado Rockies
Advantage: Wait and see in 2008!

Man, I wish baseball was back.

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Comments

Oh come on.

Mascots has to at least be a tie. We're stuck with Baxter. Sure, he's not a frightening purple dinosaur, but it's still awful.

Whatever you think is right, you're wrong. And that is a big mistake.

by Azreous on Jan 29, 2008 5:55 PM EST reply actions

Whoops

Didn't know you guys had got yourself a terrifying furry symbol. Shall change posthaste.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 6:35 PM EST up reply actions

Regrettably.

He's actually been around for some time now, hence the ever-so-clever play on words that is BOBcat -- and no longer works for Chase Field whatsoever. We love him so.

The artist formerly known as azdb7.

by Azreous on Jan 29, 2008 6:36 PM EST up reply actions

I was going to ask

what a lynx had to do with snakes.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 6:44 PM EST up reply actions

A fair question.

The answer is about the same as what Dinger has to do with a mountain range. Just one more area Rockies and Diamondbacks fans can agree on: our mascots is stupidest. Or something.

The artist formerly known as azdb7.

by Azreous on Jan 29, 2008 6:50 PM EST up reply actions

Taking a cue from Silverblood

and visiting from Purple Row. Hi!

The dinosaur comes from the fact that while they were excavating the site for Coors Field, they found a stegosaurus bone. That, and Colorado has/had the only complete Stegosaurus skeleton in the world (it's our state dinosaur. Yes, we have a state dinosaur. We also have a state folk dance (the square dance), if you're interested).

But yes. It's no excuse to have a giant Barney knock-off running around our baseball stadium and getting on national TV.

Another Friendly Purple Row Visitor. Thinks snakes are pretty cool.

by oo nrb on Jan 30, 2008 2:31 AM EST up reply actions

Well...

According to this article in the Denver Post:

In January 1994, the Rockies announced the discovery of a dinosaur egg at Coors Field, then under construction. This played off the fact that an unidentified dinosaur rib bone was unearthed during the site's excavation. The "egg" was exhibited at the Denver Museum of Natural History, now the Museum of Nature & Science. A naming contest was held.

On April 16, 1994 - the first month of the Rockies second season - the egg was escorted into Mile High Stadium by a National Guard contingent and hatched at 12:49 p.m. Out waddled Dinger. "Wild Thing" blasted from the loudspeakers. Reaction was decidedly mixed. Some thought Dinger, who took his hue cue from "purple mountain majesties," was charming. Others reacted like they'd just had a mouthful of cold hot dog and stale beer.

Retired Denver Post columnist Dick Kreck, a die-hard baseball fan, thought the mascot an abomination. In a column penned soon after Dinger's debut, he called it an "overgrown Muppet." Kreck was merely warming up. "A guy in a chicken suit is funny; a guy dressed as a purple hairball is not," he wrote. "A fan behind me commented the other night that Dinger walks like an 18-month-old with a load in its pants."

The more I hear, the more I really think this is an area in which we share much the same issue.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 30, 2008 10:54 AM EST up reply actions

I'd call that one a wash

Yes, our mascot is a pathetic, pointless, childish hangover from a bygone era, of no relevance whatsoever.

But he's still not a cheap, Taiwanese knockoff of Barney.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 8:41 PM EST up reply actions

Good stuff, Silverblood

Thanks for the laugh.
But, by the way, Baxter is BY FAR the worst mascot. PERIOD. Snakepit turned out in masses to vote against Baxter in some internet mascot voting pool. Nothing unites us like hating the Bobcat.

by johngordonma on Jan 30, 2008 10:18 PM EST up reply actions

Truth

I think the only way it'd be worse is if they put Barry Bonds in the Baxter costume.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 31, 2008 12:01 AM EST up reply actions

You mean to tell me..

He's not in a costume already...have you seen the size of this 'man' :O

If he's not in a costume he must be, dare I say it, on...

No its something thats not present in baseball so I wont mention it

by Wimb on Jan 31, 2008 8:31 AM EST up reply actions

Mmm

creme brulee

We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering.

by hotclaws on Jan 29, 2008 6:03 PM EST reply actions

Isn't one of the rules

of smack talk: "make an actual insult?" If I wanted to read pages of word association I'd hang out in the psychology department at Arizona St. which coincidentally has a storied history in baseball. So does it's rival University of Arizona, something that you'd be hard pressed to find in Colorado on any collegiate level.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 6:56 PM EST reply actions

What

threatening to run you over in Hummers on the highway without mercy wasn't threat enough for you? Or indicating that Micah Owings is effete because his dessert-making skills are so killer? Or comparing Stephen Drew to Eli Manning?

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 7:13 PM EST up reply actions

Sorry

but it's all free association rubbish. I'm sure there's a decent snap somewhere in you, and I'd love to hear it, but the Manifesto is lacking to me. Come on, let it loose!

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 7:14 PM EST up reply actions

The main point

is to be prodding in a funny way, not a mean way. I like you guys too much to cast really evil aspersions (if you want to hear those, ask me about the Cubs, Padres, or Yankees).

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 7:19 PM EST up reply actions

I can still hope

for an honest to good snap someday, though, right? It's not like there's shortage of things to make fun about Arizona.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 7:30 PM EST up reply actions

I'd make a good snap

but then you'd throw bottles at me.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 7:48 PM EST up reply actions

Only if they were Coors bottles

Because, after all, it'd be preferable to drinking the frickin' stuff. Is it true the new slogan for their partnership with the Rockies this year is gonna be, "Coors: a third-rate beer for a third-rate team?"

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 8:51 PM EST up reply actions

Don't worry

Once the beer's all gone (we'll waste it by spraying it on each other at division-clinching parties, then drink the Bacardi and Cristal for the real celebration) we'll let you have the bottles as a consolation prize.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:57 PM EST up reply actions

If by good snap

you mean wait for the umps to overblow a call that's never made and then wonder why people would be upset. Besides, only a couple of unsavories from the Upper Deck would be throwing them, most likely dropping the bottles over the edge in confusion after being blinded from Holliday's shiny dome.

;-)

See, it's fun!

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 8:00 PM EST reply actions

Holliday's titanium head

not only tricks umps into making calls, it's more than the Snakes can withstand. Seeing as they live underground and never see any sunlight, the Rockies will do their best to keep them where they're comfortable.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:13 PM EST up reply actions

You are officially the only Snakes

that don't like sunlight.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:15 PM EST up reply actions

Ah

not quite true, the western diamondback hibernates in caves or burrows during the winter, but I suppose I couldn't expect a mountain to know that kind of information. Though you'll have to excuse not liking sunlight, considering most desert animals don't, because it's a bit hot around here. Nothing that few cold bottles of Colorado's chief export can't cure: horse piss, brewed at 34°, or so their advertising tells me, which coincidentally is the same number of wins the Rockies are expected to have this year. Snap!

(Seriously, though, there's this commercial for Coors Light on the radio trying to connect the beer to the NFL that makes me scratch my head like I was a graduate of the Colorado University system. Snap!)

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 8:32 PM EST up reply actions

Seeing as you're a snake

your only likely experience with the college system was getting chased out of it by screaming co-eds, and not because they thought you were sexy.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:40 PM EST up reply actions

That could be turned

into something far more graphic, but I will resist. Speaking of screaming co-eds, I've heard that entire communities panic a la Cloverfield when Todd Helton passes by for fear of being attacked by his tentacled goatee.

That's all for me, seeing as I'm off for sustinence, but I hope I have a fresh wrapped smack waiting for me when I get home.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 8:50 PM EST up reply actions

Acually...

..like all coldblooded creatures,snakes need the warmth of the sun to get moving

We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering.

by hotclaws on Jan 30, 2008 12:32 PM EST up reply actions

Can I just point out?

That, at the moment, the Rockies are seen as less of a threat to the Diamondbacks this year, than a fictitious, CGI monster, from a film which was hammered at the box-office this weekend, by Meet the Spartans? I just wonder how they'd have fared had I listed Alvin and the Chipmunks?

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 8:46 PM EST reply actions

It's okay

See, ya know.... the thing about movies... I just hate to break it to you... they're not real. Neither is Santa Claus.

;)

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:50 PM EST up reply actions

Or the Rockies' playoff chances?

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 8:51 PM EST up reply actions

Or the Diamondbacks' fanbase

who can't sell out NLCS games?

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 8:57 PM EST up reply actions

Hmmm...

Given we had no trouble selling out the NLDS, I imagine any shortcoming were apparently entirely due to a massive and utter disinterest in our opponents in the NLCS.

Who were they again?

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 9:00 PM EST up reply actions

Either that

or your fans just figured that the NLDS was going to have to be the World Series and went to sleep, since they knew the Snakes had no chance of getting past the purple buzzsaw rolling into No-Longer-the-BOB.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 9:02 PM EST up reply actions

There, I corrected it for you

"Since they knew the Snakes had no chance of getting past the umpire-assisted, extremely fluky, God squad descending from Mount Coors."

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 9:22 PM EST up reply actions

Colorado

really can't throw stones on fanbase issues; both suck. Where-as most people in Arizona will acknowledge that the D'backs have an attendance problem (which doesn't stop them from playing better baseball in their history than the Rockies can even dream of), it doesn't help having it on a weekday. Throw in the fact that Phoenix is 515 sq miles, and Denver is an anemic 154, well can you really blame fairweather people for staying home? No, instead you'll point to your own fairweathered fans (most likely misplaced and bored Broncos fans) as a "real" fanbase.

In the end though, it doesn't matter what goes on in the stands. Real fans know that its the playing field that matters, and Colorado is woefully behind in nearly every aspect to Arizona, who is rich in history on many levels: playoffs in 4 of the 10 years (all divisional titles), a World Championship, Spring Training, Arizona Fall League, Arizona State baseball, University of Arizona Baseball, storied minor league team in Tucson (though unfortunately leaving now), and successful little league teams. Colorado has...well, 2 Wild Card spots (which is good, don't feel about that) and an NL pennant.

They don't give out pennants for attendance, and though the Rockies may have won the NL last year, that and an All-Star Game are about the only things Colorado has ever done in the arena of baseball.

Oh, and by the way, for those keeping score at home, Arizona and Colorado have had nearly equal attendance numbers in the past few years. Yeah, I wouldn't get all smug about that.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 10:59 PM EST up reply actions

Dang it

you might have us on the Little League thing...drat...crap never thought I'd have to defend our Little League teams

Damn slacker 8 year olds

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:02 PM EST up reply actions

I may need to

updated my signature......I miss Kaz

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:02 PM EST up reply actions

You can't defend

the Little League level, you can't defend the collegiate level, you can't defend any of the levels. What exactly, beyond last year's success (which is great, and something to build on), do you have to defend? Arizona has a strong baseball tradition, even if know one goes out to see the games (which no one does).

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:05 PM EST up reply actions

actually Colorado

has lots of baseball history...but lets start with 100% of this years new Hall of Fame members are from Colorado: Goose Gossage

And...one of the best mustaches in the history of baseball.

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:12 PM EST up reply actions

Oh, I know about Colorado's baseball history

When I was young, a spry lad of perhaps six or seven, I attended a Zephyrs game in Denver. Now, this wouldn't have been such a memorable game if it weren't for one particularly traumatic incident- while we were at the stadium, I was standing on the seat, and somehow fell off backwards and smacked my head. I think Colorado's baseball tradition tried to kill me! It was trying to throttle the Diamondbacks fanbase in its infancy- nay, since this was over a decade before the Diamondbacks formed, it was trying to throttle the Diamondbacks fanbase prenatally! That's one vicious baseball history, I'll tell you.

Though, maybe that's just Denver's baseball history. I went to see the Sky Sox play in Colorado City a few years later and it was fine. Got a free shirt, too, I think.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:17 PM EST up reply actions

Which is pretty cool

never played for Colorado, but cool none the less. What else? U of Northern Colorado, who went to the College World Series ten times, but the last time was in 1974 and didn't win the title (kind of like a pro team we know...hmmm) or Colorado State, who went once in 1950?

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:19 PM EST up reply actions

Well..um...

Like a lot of this fair state and cities current residents...I'm not from here originally. No I'm not from Mexico....I'm from Oklahoma....so this debate will be a very, very short topic on my side.

But Padres (or is it former) catcher Josh Bard is from Colorado as is their 3rd basemen Dennis Kucinich or what ever his name is. Also Roy Halliday is from Colorado...but my all time favorite: Cowboy Jones...I didn't know about him till right now...but I love that name. I may have to change my name.....Cowboy Redhawk...or Redhawk Cowboy

http://www.baseball-almanac.com/players/player.php?p=jonesco01

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:31 PM EST up reply actions

Awesome!

So a bunch of decent players and Goose Gossage?

It's hard to rep players sometimes from your state; I was born in Texas so I guess if I ever were a baseball player or someone famous, Nacogdoches could claim me and...Clint Dempsey? That's not a very good group, but it is a pretty small town. And in Texas.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:35 PM EST up reply actions

Kevin Kouzmanoff

is from my hometown.

Yeah, that's all I got.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:38 PM EST up reply actions

Goose Gossage

is from my hometown of the Springs. I've played baseball on diamonds he once pitched on (and learned to ride a bike on baseball diamonds named after him).

And...um...

hey, my high school was a hockey school, we didn't really do baseball. Well, we did it...just not well...

Another Friendly Purple Row Visitor. Thinks snakes are pretty cool.

by oo nrb on Jan 30, 2008 2:38 AM EST up reply actions

Hence, my usage

Of the word "fictitious" in the post. Look it up in the dictionary, if you must: you'll find it next to a picture of the Rockies' alleged superiority, and just above the equally mythical beast, a good Colorado pitcher.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 8:59 PM EST up reply actions

That's funny

Because when I looked it up, I thought I saw a good Arizona hitter.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 9:04 PM EST up reply actions

When you play

Half your games at the outer edge of the atmosophere, I could be a good hitter. How did Tulo do in every other park? How about an anaemic .256/.327/.393. That's 50 points less OPS than Chris Snyder on the road.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 9:19 PM EST up reply actions

And yet still better

than what your prized Chris Young (.237), Stephen Drew (.238), and Justin Upton (.221) hit all year.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 9:23 PM EST up reply actions

You'll find

We didn't sign them to a $30m contract to get one year of free-agency. Snigger.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 10:13 PM EST up reply actions

Because honestly

Who'd pay $15 mil, let alone $30 mil, for them?

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 10:17 PM EST up reply actions

Because it makes SO much sense...

To overpay for someone who can't hit in 29 stadiums and relies on a .372 BABIP in the other one. Overpaid, overlong and over the other side of the Rockies.

Guess it explains why your biggest off-season move was signing Marcus Giles. Is that fear that's making me tremble? No, it's hysterical laughter.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 10:41 PM EST up reply actions

Marcus Giles is just a decoy

Now, if it was Clint Barmes, you'd have a point.

As for Tulo, the only thing you'll be laughing about is in relief for the off-season, because that's the only time he won't be torching you.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 10:46 PM EST up reply actions

Please, Tulo! Torch us some more!

Tulowitzki vs. Arizona last year: 14-for-76, with one home run. That's a line of .209/.303/.343, if you're playing at home.

Which Tulo certainly wishes he was, since he batted .156 at Chase...

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 11:03 PM EST up reply actions

Hey....we could

sit Tulo and give him a day off and play our future utility player....Omar Quintinella...he of the Career .216 Batting Average.

You still haven't thanked us for giving you Jeff Salazar..

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:08 PM EST up reply actions

Be careful what you wish for

We'll take notice of your request. When would you like Tulo to up his numbers: A) Against Webb late in the season to cost you guys the pennant, or B) Against Haren in the early going to squash it before it ever gets off the ground?

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:08 PM EST up reply actions

and yet

we won the West.. Funny that..

by unnamedDBacksfan on Feb 1, 2008 2:44 PM EST up reply actions

And yet

We beat you for the NL pennant... funny that.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Feb 1, 2008 3:41 PM EST up reply actions

what was real funny

was watching you roll over in the world series

by unnamedDBacksfan on Feb 2, 2008 10:47 AM EST up reply actions

Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Interesting work there. Some obvious logical flaws there- how does Baxter win anything?- but it made me laugh hard enough that I'm glad I'm alone in my apartment, otherwise I'd be getting weird looks from all and sundry.

Hilarious. I can't wait for April.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:07 PM EST reply actions

Well, when you're against Dinger

you win just about anything.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:11 PM EST up reply actions

I still have to post

that picture of me in a D'Backs t-shirt that dates from '97 or so in order to complete my part of the bet from last season (btw, we need to have Snakepit Day over at the Row before the new season starts). Don't know why I've kept it all these years, but I should post that picture here. I'll have to make one minor adjustment to it and it it'll fit in quite well with the theme of this diary.

Purple Row

by Russ Oates on Jan 29, 2008 11:07 PM EST reply actions

Wow....

there are alot of folks in desperate need of a game thread if a smack talking thread in January is getting this many posts

LOSERS!

...um....oh yeah...

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:15 PM EST reply actions

What's that saying?

Those who cheer for teams named after mountains should... have plenty of stones if they want to throw some? I don't recall.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:23 PM EST up reply actions

Those

who cheer for teams named after mountains probably live in a pretty desolate area.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:24 PM EST up reply actions

Those who cheer for teams named after snakes

have, er, some other qualities it's advisable not to emulate. Does your butt rattle or are your teeth poisonous? Either way, yikes.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:25 PM EST up reply actions

Hey, we all shed our skin

Snakes are more efficient and do it all at once. What, is efficiency a bad thing? And kids love rattles! I don't see your point.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:28 PM EST up reply actions

So what you're doing now

is trying to sell snake-oil?

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:30 PM EST up reply actions

Better

than having a head full of rocks?

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:31 PM EST up reply actions

Hardly!

There's no trying at all- I'm just naturally good at it.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:31 PM EST up reply actions

I'd recommend

a good moisturizing hand creme.....dry climates can be tough.

There's a new promo night if I ever saw one

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:34 PM EST up reply actions

Here is a fact to wake up all you D-Backs fans....

This is from the Rocky Mountain News.

"The Diamondbacks performed a high-wire act last season. Arizona had a .615 winning percentage (32-20) for one-run games. Teams rarely duplicate that.

In 2006, three teams had a .600-plus winning percentage in one-run games: the New York Mets, Toronto and Minnesota. Their combined record for one-run games was 71-37, for a .657 winning percentage.

Last season, those clubs dropped to 73-62 in one-run games for a .541 winning percentage. A similar drop by Arizona could be the difference between first and fourth in the NL West."

You cannot count on having that kind of luck next season. I can almost guarantee that if you end up with a negative run differential again next year, you will be spending time with the Giants in the cellar.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Jan 29, 2008 11:19 PM EST reply actions

Definately a concern

but something that's been covered a million times. Can you expect that the young hitters will continue to have problems? No. Did our pitching get even better? Yes. So I'd say that it's a bit hasty to make that kind of prediction. I mean, yeah, it's easy to say, "if this event happens, then this consequence will happen" but you have to first assume the first action will happen.

Secondly, at least come up with something creative if you going to come here and try and talk smack.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:22 PM EST up reply actions

I was just throwing some facts out there

but to be honest with you, I am very terrified of the D-Backs. That lineup gives me nightmares. Second coming of the 1927 Yankees.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Jan 29, 2008 11:38 PM EST up reply actions

Deja vu all over again

We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering.

by hotclaws on Feb 1, 2008 6:16 PM EST up reply actions

Good point

Maybe we can hope for something more likely to get us to the World Series, like winning 20 out of 21 games.

Waaaait...

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:25 PM EST up reply actions

And poor officiating?

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:27 PM EST up reply actions

Oh, and...

The "first to fourth" drop is more an issue of how tight the NL West was last season than anything else.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:27 PM EST up reply actions

Don't worry

All your successes in MLB 2K8 will make up for your lack of success in reality.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:27 PM EST up reply actions

Hey!

I'm more of a MLB '07: The Show fan, thank you very much.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 29, 2008 11:29 PM EST up reply actions

And my player

Guy Buntersun is awesome in The Bigs. Don't hate, Colorado.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:30 PM EST up reply actions

Guy Bunterson?

No surprise he only made it virtually. In real life, he's probably mucking out a farm in Minnesota.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:34 PM EST up reply actions

Guy Bunterson

isn't that our CF?

Oh yeah, our CF is Bunty McBunt

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:35 PM EST up reply actions

No

then he'd be Guy Muckersun.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:35 PM EST up reply actions

I'm so stealing that one

for my Road-To-The-Show player in MLB 08

Visiting Rockies fan. Chairman of the resign Kazuo Matsui sub-committee

by Redhawk on Jan 29, 2008 11:39 PM EST up reply actions

Nothing bridges fanbases

like terrible videogame names ;-)

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 29, 2008 11:51 PM EST up reply actions

If by some small chance

the real Guy Buntersun/Muckersun gets out of the boonies and makes it to the Show, demand half of all his profits.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 29, 2008 11:53 PM EST up reply actions

Congratulations

You are the 10 millionth person to point this out. :-)

[You cannot count on having that kind of luck next season. I can almost guarantee that if you end up with a negative run differential again next year, you will be spending time with the Giants in the cellar.]

Of course, this assumes that winning close games is "luck". And not, for example, an excellent bullpen, adept at posting zeroes, and among the best benches in the league, who helped score us a run when we needed it.

Next year, our pitching will be better, with the addition of Haren, the improvement of Owings, and hopefully, a full season of the Big Unit. And our hitting will be better too, simply because of age and experience. We can afford some minor slippage in one-run games, and still cruise to victory. Take a look at this projection, based on the Chone predictions. That sees us winning the division by nine games, with the Rockies back in fourth...

by Jim McLennan on Jan 29, 2008 11:44 PM EST up reply actions

Keep your projections, you aren't winning 94

1.) Haren- Overrated, and you gave up too much for him. The way he finished last season was lamer than the last 30 minutes of I Am Legend. Not to say he is a bad pitcher, but everyone seems to expect too much from him.

2.) Micah Owings- Can you actually take someone named Micah serious? Didn't think so.

3.) Big Unit- He's like 50 now, right?

4.) Young guys- Sure, I guess you can just assume they will get better, but I'll believe it when I see it. But you should also take into account that Byrnes won't come close to matching his 2007 production.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Jan 30, 2008 12:09 AM EST up reply actions

Do you work for ESPN

'Cos that's some great analyzing there.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 30, 2008 12:28 AM EST up reply actions

On the other hand

1) On the other hand, the way he started the season... That would be a 1.91 ERA over his first seventeen starts. As for how he finished, the 'lame' of which you speak was eight quality starts in the last eleven games.

2) Coming from someone whose 2007 roster included Garret, Willy and Troy...

3) An extremely well-rested 50, I'll have you know!

4) No, they won't all get better. But odds are most of them will, since almost our entire starting lineup is on the upside of the aging curve. The odds of them all failing to improve are about as likely as Trevor Hoffman blowing back-to-back save opport...oh, hang on. ;-)

by Jim McLennan on Jan 30, 2008 12:48 AM EST up reply actions

Ok, New Plan ...

#1) Go Hunting.

#2) Kill Deer.

#3) Send tasty remains of former fury creature to Colorado short stop living in a apartment building. Very important to deliver to the ground floor and make sure he live on the second story or above.

#4) Watch hilarity begin.

by Captain D Bag on Jan 30, 2008 12:43 AM EST reply actions

What a silly Clint...

Oh, c'mon - you'd have to be an absolute idiot. I doubt even Brian Anderson would fall for that one...
What about this minor alteration to Step #3.

#1) Go Hunting.

#2) Kill Deer.

#3) Skin deer. Drug and kidnap Colorado short stop. Place gagged shortstop inside deerskin. Transport to hunting preserve just outside Phoenix. Wait for consciousness to return.

#4) Watch hilarity begin.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 30, 2008 12:58 AM EST up reply actions

All right, you crazy kids

I gotta call it a night as it's well past midnight here on the East Coast and I have morning class tomorrow. (Again). But thank you one and all for helping me while away a blissfully homework-free evening, and I'm sure we'll cross swords again soon.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 30, 2008 1:18 AM EST reply actions

Hey, let's wave the flag of unity.

Padres suck.

The artist formerly known as azdb7.

by Azreous on Jan 30, 2008 3:44 AM EST reply actions

Hear hear

Rockies and Diamondbacks fans can agree on this without restraint.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 30, 2008 11:07 AM EST up reply actions

too true

We will meet in Red 3 at the hour of scampering.

by hotclaws on Jan 30, 2008 12:36 PM EST up reply actions

As do...

Crap mascots. :-)

by Jim McLennan on Jan 30, 2008 4:21 PM EST up reply actions

PAdre fans

are still waiting for a certain someone to cross home plate I hear... Seriously, won't let it go....

by unnamedDBacksfan on Feb 1, 2008 2:37 PM EST up reply actions

Let's try this:

This is everyday me:

This is an unhappy me in a D'Backs t-shirt I received as a gift from some relatives who visited Arizona back in '97 (I believe, and I have no clue why I've kept it this long):

And when the D'Backs win their next World Series championship, this is a lame mock-up of what a retro shirt celebrating that championship might look like:

Purple Row

by Russ Oates on Jan 30, 2008 7:57 PM EST reply actions

Evidently

the D-backs were so long championship-less in red and black that they resort to purple and green again out of desperation.

Friendly visiting Rockies fan.

by Silverblood on Jan 30, 2008 8:06 PM EST up reply actions

Meanwhile

the Rockies by this point have been moved to Brighton Illinois, home to 2200 people and 3600 dogs; coincidentally more than the amount of fans the Rockies currently have if you subtract the bored Broncos fans who turned out last October.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 30, 2008 8:11 PM EST up reply actions

Interesting...

Coming from a fan of a team that couldn't even sell out the NLCS.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Jan 31, 2008 11:08 PM EST up reply actions

See my previous comment on this topic

But to summarize quickly: given there was no such problem in the NLDS, any NLCS shortcoming can only be down to the lackluster appeal of our opponents there. Who was that again? Oh, yes: the Rockies.

Next.

by Jim McLennan on Jan 31, 2008 11:23 PM EST up reply actions

There was no problem in the NLDS...

because you palyed the Cubs. The Cubs have fans evwerywhere. Lackluster appeal of your oppents is the lamest excuse I've ever heard. I know the Rockies don't have the most die-hard fan base, but at least we have fair-weather fans. The D-Backs can't even manage that.

And I only brought this up because someone attacked our fan base. Isn't that a little like Paris Hilton calling Lindsay Lohan a slut?

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Feb 1, 2008 7:26 PM EST up reply actions

You do realize

that this topic was started by a Rockies fan? And that the whole point is to have fun and be at least mildly creative? Reeling out the same tired cliches for round after round gets a bit boring. Seriously, like I said above to Silverblood, there's plenty to make fun of for Arizona.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Feb 1, 2008 8:02 PM EST up reply actions

Which is funny

'cos this was already discussed and no one bothered to debate any of the points I raised. How 'bout you get some creativity and wit for your next "slam;" though I guess I shouldn't have high expectations from most likely a Snowblower Tech graduate.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 31, 2008 11:45 PM EST up reply actions

Meanwhile

You're still waiting for that first one by then ... sweet.

by unnamedDBacksfan on Feb 2, 2008 10:55 AM EST up reply actions

I suppose there's a "snap" somewhere

but I can't help but be blinded on how terrible purple is for a sports team. Too bad about your relatives, though; you're such a big Rockies fan that they knew to get you the right shirt. Oh wait...

Let's be honest on why you kept the shirt though; you knew it would work great for your Thursday night D&D sessions with "that boyz" when you play your paladin dragon or some such thing. ;-)

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 30, 2008 8:09 PM EST up reply actions

Hey!

Watch it. My D&D group is way better dressed than that.

I'm not superstitious- it's bad luck.

by kishi on Jan 30, 2008 8:58 PM EST up reply actions

But you're a D'backs fan

so you can't do wrong. (I don't have anything against D&D, I used to play it, but I just thought the shirt looked like a ridiculous fantasy t-shirt)

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 31, 2008 1:13 AM EST up reply actions

Oh man

I'm late to the show,

The D-Backs seem to have more international posters on this board then an average home attendance at Coors ;)

Also in the nerd world, the Master Chief is a D-Backs Fan ;)

by Wimb on Jan 31, 2008 8:48 AM EST reply actions

Um.....

the Rockies finished just ahead of the Garden Snakes in attendance last year.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Jan 31, 2008 11:10 PM EST up reply actions

Which is something to proud of?

You do realize that's just as much a slam on the Rockies as it is the D'backs? It's not like the gap was tens of thousands.

Stay grindy, my friends.

by soco on Jan 31, 2008 11:47 PM EST up reply actions

I wasn't trying to "Slam"

Only pointing out the flaw in trying to "slam" the Rockies attendance.

Although, you have to think that if the Rockies had spent as much time in first as the D-Backs last year the gap would at least be tens of thousands.

I can guarantee that the Rockies will demolish the D-Backs attendance in 2008. The only thing that would mess that up is if they are somehow 15 games below .500 by July.

Friendly visiting fan of the NL Champs.

by jcd823 on Feb 1, 2008 7:43 PM EST up reply actions